DISCLAIMER: This is a two topic article!
First, I want to speak on a touchy subject which happens to be about sexual abuse in Gay relationships. Then I want to touch on a message I received from a supporter regarding a problem in his marriage involving intimacy and his partner’s masturbation addiction.
Sexual abuse within relationships do happen, and it’s often ignored and not addressed within the community. This may be a very touchy subject. I think we need to address the concerns that some of us may have regarding sexual abuse by the hands of a partner.
Sometimes it goes unnoticed and we ignore what feels wrong internally. Other times it’s blatant and we’re left shocked and numbed to the abusive encounter, so we don’t speak on it.
I have talked to several Gay men who have endured sexual abuse in previous relationships or may still deal with the abuse in silence. I have also had conversations with men who have endured being completely raped and forced into sexual relations by their partners.
We have to understand that there is a thin-line when it comes to unhealthy sexual relationships. You can be in a relationship and abuse your boyfriend sexually when he does not give you permission to act upon your sexual advances and you force it, anyway.
When you think of Gay couples and our sexual habits, you don’t focus on the fact that sometimes too much sex can be a problem. When you’re manipulating, threatening, mistreating, bullying your partner into having sex then that’s abuse.
And if you’re dealing with an abuser, it’s never okay to tolerate that behavior. Do not overlook his negative traits and bad decisions which could also worsen over time and turn into physical abuse.
This isn’t something that most people speak about because it’s taboo. As you know if you follow my blog, I like to touch on things most other Gay men don’t like discussing openly or at all.
A lot of Gay men deal with this issue and it’s often hidden from open discussions because of shame, guilt, fear, etc.
I’ve had several guys tell me that their boyfriends were overly sexual and their demand for sex was way too much. These relationships are unbearable and downright unacceptable.
Sex should be a mutual act and neither partner should overpower the other one into being sexually active. I have witnessed couples break up over hypersexuality and their partner’s sexual cravings being too extreme.
When you are being forced to engage in sexual intercourse with your partner, then that’s abuse!
If a person forces you into a situation then that’s an issue that should be addressed. Even if you need to get the law involved to protect yourself, and that’s the point of me writing this article.
Everybody doesn’t have a high sex drive and not every Gay man going to engage in sexual activity all day, around the clock.
There have to be boundaries in the relationship.
Guilt tripping your partner into having sex with you is never okay and giving into his demands is never the answer to getting rid of the problem. As I mentioned, this is a problem I hear about way too often but it’s more so a knee to knee type of confessional.
These men would never come out and announce this to their family and friends or even those they know through social media.
Some men are struggling with their partner’s sexual addiction and their unhealthy need for sexual stimulation to feel fulfilled in their relationships. We have created this situation in most Gay relationships that sex is the tool to all things. Sex makes and could also break a relationship and in most cases it does.
I say this all the time — sex does not make a relationship!
This is something Gay men have created to fulfill their own selfish needs.
Sex should be a bonus to having a relationship. It should be the cherry on the cake, not the icing!
You shouldn’t need to force sex upon your partner either to show them “love.”
Love could never justify sexual abuse and being “playful” does not eliminate the purpose and intent behind your actions. I don’t care how much sex you and your partner had before dating or after even marriage. You can’t force or pressure somebody into engaging in sex against their free will.
The only reason I think many people put up with it is because they don’t want to lose their partner.
A lot of these men tolerate the sexual abuse and ignore the signs. If a person treats you as if you are nothing more than a sexual object. Sorry to put it this way but that’s not true love and they do not respect you.
Love wouldn’t make you mistreat your partner if they decided that they didn’t want to have sex tonight or the next morning.
That person doesn’t love their partner if they belittle them because they’re not meeting their sexual needs when they ask or in most cases demands it.
You do not own your partner; they are not property!
It’s hard enough when dating is already so focused on sex in our community. Instead of communicating these men feel the need to sex their problems away. Sex is the cure to everything for some of these men, and that’s a significant problem.
You can’t depend on sex to fix the problems or make you feel fulfilled in the relationship. If a person depends on sex, then the issues and problems will never become solved because their need for sex will never fix those issues.
A lot of these men feel like sex will ease their pain, hurt, broken egos and more but it doesn’t. Sex is nothing more than a temporary cure, and it brushes over wounds, but it doesn’t heal them.
If you’re with somebody suffering from hypersexuality, then you need to address it or find the freedom for yourself to leave. If things have turned into abuse, then it is time to get out now!
You should never allow a person to have that much power over your body, mind and soul.
Sex is not just an act it can also be a power trip for some of these men. They use sex to control you, trap you and keep you in line, etc. I hope you guys take something from the opening topic if you’re in a similar situation or have been but haven’t gotten over the abuse.
Get the help you need and get out now. If you’re already out, then talk to somebody so you can heal from that experience.
This is a separate topic of the article, but I wanted to include it because it connects in a way to what I spoke about… SEX!
The other morning, I received a message on Facebook from a supporter of mines. He’s dealing with a minor issue with his husband. I will let you guys read his story and then I’ll give my response after.
If you’re also dealing with intimacy issues in your relationship, you can reach out to me.
I want to put the biggest microscope on this issue. Sex is the most known method of connecting with our partners.
When there is a lack of sex or intimacy, it can cause the other partner to question themselves and even the relationship.
I also think seeking advice and opinions from others helps. Sometimes we need outside [opinions] about our relationship, and I am glad some of you guys reach out to me.
Check out his situation and if you guys have similar stories do not be afraid to communicate them to your partner. Communication is key fellas!
My husband and I got married three years ago, but I have an enormous concern about him. This situation makes me sad, and we have talked about it, but nothing has changed.
My husband and I both work full time, and I also attend school. We both have a tight schedule, we try to make time for each other.
My husband has a problem with masturbation, which I find to be so disturbing. I might be in the living room catching up with my assignments, and he goes to bed before me, and before I know it, he jerks off.
The first time I caught him jerking off, I felt so bad.
I asked him why he does it? Even when I’m home, and he can ask me for at least a hand job, and I would give it to him.
He told me that sometimes he doesn’t want to bother me because I’m busy or when he is in the mood [I am not.]
I told him to feel free and ask me whenever he feels like having a hand job, and I will give it to him.
Sometimes he has requested, and I gave it to him. And sometimes he asks, and I am tired or preparing for exams, and I explain my situation which he seems to understand.
Though we talked about it, he never stopped doing it.
Two days ago we had a random talk. We agreed that we could make love on the day when we are both off. I told him I would give him a blow job the next day if he wanted it.
The next day he went to bed before me. I was still working on stuff and when I went in after a few minutes to give him a hand job. He told me he had cum already after jerking off [which was true] and I could see the cum.
I felt terrible and betrayed. I walked out of the bedroom without saying a word, and we have not had a severe talk since then.
I know it’s his body, and he can use the way he wants. For me, jerking off when I am present renders me as useless. It makes me feel as if he either doesn’t love me or I can’t satisfy him.
Tell me what you think?
I don’t believe he doesn’t love you. I feel like he might struggle with an addiction to masturbation.
Masturbation addiction is a real addiction and affects people and their relationships.
I’m not sure if this is something he’s picked up on recently or if you’ve been dealing with his excessive masturbation habits.
If this is a new habit, then I would say you need to communicate with him. Find out what’s causing the lack of intimacy within the marriage and figure out how to solve the situation.
His excessive masturbation sessions could mean there’s something lacking in the relationship for the both of you. Maybe he’s not as confident with his abilities or you may lack something too. If he masturbates more than he engages with you sexually, then you have every right to know if you’re not pleasing him sexually.
Maybe with you having so much going on he feels like his sexual cravings is a burden on you. While you’re working and studying he rather just take care of the situation instead of nagging you about it.
You want to communicate with him now so nothing can affect the relationship. He could end up feeling like he’s not enough for you or you too busy for him [vice versa].
There is a disconnect that you can fix now than waiting until the situation becomes more problematic for you. A lot of couples slow down sexually after being married for a few years. It’s common for couples not to have sex as much as they did while they were dating, building the relationship, etc.
I’ve even heard guys mention that after going long periods without sex with their boyfriends it makes them sexually conflicted. So instead of engaging with their partner or initiating sex they masturbate. Some guys step out and cheat when they feel like their partner is no longer available for them sexually. At least you caught him in the act by himself than with somebody else.
I understand your concern and fear of noticing his excessive habit with masturbating instead of seeking sex from you. Nobody wants to feel like they are not meeting the needs of their partner. I think as Gay men we often feel like we can complete our partners sexually by all means. And when we no longer notice their sexual needs being met (initiating sex, intimacy, etc.) It makes us question ourselves and our value in the relationship.
You shouldn’t feel as if you’re not enough for him. I don’t think love is the problem it’s more so time management. Figuring out the best time to engage with each other is more important than worrying about him cheating or anything bad.
Keep us updated. I hope all turns out well and the two of you can come to the actual solution to what’s causing this sexual disconnect in your relationship.
He’s Not Your Man! He’s Everybody’s Man Including Your Ex’s!
I can’t stand when people wanna flash and flaunt their relationships when everybody knows the guy ain’t shit.
I’m not talking about the real authentic couples, I’m speaking about the couples who always in some mess.
If you know every and anybody has been with your man, then that’s not your man.
I’m sorry to put it to you like that… unfortunately, too many people claiming ownership over men who ain’t even theirs half the time.
You can’t be on and off with somebody and expect to be the only one he’s laying with or seeing period.
I know it sounds raw, but that’s the truth.
Most couples who are breaking up only to make up just for you to end up getting played out is silly to me.
For me, if we on and off then we not solving anything by staying together.
And more than likely you dipping your dack in somebody else.
I have a hard time believing somebody in a on and off relationship ain’t sliding through somebody else’s bedroom or front door.
These Gays out here trying to hang on, keep around or shelter a man.
If he’s not happy then let him go.
You can’t sit around thinking that you get special treatment that millions of other Gays don’t get.
Forcing something that isn’t there becomes problematic no matter how you try to pretend that shit is fine, when we all know it’s not.
They going to continue to do you wrong while you try to relive a memory that is no longer here for you to relive. Some things are better left done then trying to redo and recreate.
You know he’s not faithful and everyone around you knows this, so why you still lying to yourself?
Why can’t you see that the man you got ain’t your man sus?
That man belongs to everybody! He’s not trying to be limited to just you.
Is what you should say to him every time he up in your face smiling and trying to sling that dack your way.
Some of these men fight and argue just so they can leave and do their dirt.
You still haven’t caught on yet, sus?
Some of you will stay with a man that ain’t good just to say you got a man. You’ll allow him to damn near do anything and everything foul to you, while you do nothing about it.
That mentality of having half of a man is toxic for many of you.
Instead of moving on and finding better you rather stay and “work it out” when there’s nothing left to work on.
Sometimes the work is done and over and you both still can’t walk away and move on. It’s all about growth and if a person isn’t growing with you, then you stuck with a dud.
Fellas: Do A Fact Check On These Men!
After my recent failed attempts with dating within the last year, I have started fact checking shit more than ever before…
WAIT ON IT…
We about to dive deep!
So let’s get deeper!
I mean, I’m the type to investigate that ass to the fullest!
I wanna know everything about you even the shit you don’t want me to know.
Too many guys out here are playing games especially online.
They will tell you any and everything and leave out the fact that none of it is factual.
Some shit these men say is pure bullshit and will have you questioning yourself.
Some of Y’all are quick to believe everything these men tell you.
I had a guy lie to me about his entire life!!!
I’ve had guys lie about their status to their past dating history.
I’ve had men lie about having a job only to find out they were street hustling and escorting for TINA and Molly…
What’s even worse is the fact I had an ex lie about having a baby on me!
I think another [ex] who lied about being in the hospital with food poison when he was really laid up in somebody else’s bed tops them all for me!
But a lie is a lie and a liar ain’t never ashamed to mislead anyone.
Some of these men (I take that back) most of these guys are professional liars.
They have been lying since day one!
They were conditioned to lie about their sexuality and even worse when it comes to their daily lives everything just filled with lies and fairytales.
To add to the list of lies: They lie about their sexual position, their intentions and even their dack size!
There’s no telling what’s about to come out of a man’s mouth when he speaks to you. Especially when he’s been a liar all his life, that’s all he knows.
Fact check is important!
I like investigating and doing my little investigation on these men.
I check social media accounts even going as far to check in with your mammy and ex!
You gotta get a full ass report on these men out here otherwise they will straight up use you dry and drain you out.
We can’t sit back and trust everything a man tells us especially not off no dating app. If you meeting guys online, take every and anything they say with a grain of salt!
Everything he says can’t be all true even the most honest guys keeping something from you.
Some may say actions speak louder than words but even in this day and age people can show you one thing but mean something else. You can believe you in a whole ass relationship and really find yourself being played!
Trust all things know while believing nothing you hear without the PROOF!
FACT CHECK HIS ASS! FELLAS!
Y’all Be Giving Off Bottom Teas But Will Top Em All Down!
Looks are deceiving so never get caught up on what looks a certain way because behind a closed door they may surprise you.
I love pretty boys who can give you that feminine energy while being able to buss down booty with no fucks to give.
Yeah, I said it. I like a “feminine” sexy guy who can put on that bottom look that so many of you criticize and he can slang the dack good.
Y’all be sleeping in the good dack because Ya’ll be chasing “masculine” or “straight-acting” ass men. Meanwhile, the ones who got the best dack be the queen’s Ya’ll always shading down!
For me, if it comes down to getting the dack, I want me a man who can handle the ass. I don’t care for a man I can just stare at and show off as a trophy.
Y’all really out here sleeping on some good ass wood. Trust me!
I remember like yesterday when I let my first “bottom” topped me!
Meanwhile Ya’ll with these tops who can’t even keep it up…
Whatever works for you but for me, I’m open minded and the more I explore my options the better my encounters get! Don’t believe me? Try something you’ve never tried and tell me it ain’t good after you experience it on more than one occasion.
I don’t care to hear about lesbian sex or you ain’t letting them climb your back. When a man got good dack, he got good dack! Get out of the looks department and peep out his stroke game!