What I would call a trade chaser are those (primarily) bottoms who only go after “straight-acting” and DL guys!
– The Jerk Journal
As we all know of the dangers of exposing men who live double lives. Some of these men are trying to protect their image, lifestyle, and family. It’s safe to say building up an active, healthy relationship with a man, who isn’t open about his sexuality could be a crucial mistake.
A choice that often results in serious consequences for all parties involved. Who turns out to be the victim of exposing the truth? The man who puts everything at risk for an intimate moment or would you consider the man who is living his truth but exposes the man that’s living a lie?
Sometimes gay men get caught up with the wrong guys for all the wrong reasons. A lot of guys are double-dipping on both sides of the fence and infecting both men and women. We all view exposing and down low situations differently. So I brought on a guest to speak about his own experience with the down-low lifestyle. His story goes much deeper than your typical down low encounter.
The Jerk Journal has profound words for those who consider exposing these men on the low. Nobody ends up happy in this equation of lust, pleasure, and sometimes pain mixed with a dangerous outcome. Is having a piece of a man equal to having a man full of secrets?
Check out our exclusive chat on Gays Speaking Out where we are trying to discover the meaning of trade chasers and why down low men end up being exposed. So dive deep into this candid, raw, and unfiltered conversation between myself and The Jerk Journal.
We all know there is a phenomenon with black gay men and straight-identifying heterosexual men. Why do you feel like gay men have a strong desire and an urge to go after “the forbidden fruit?”
There are many reasons gay men love straight men and those factors vary depending on each guy’s desires. As you mentioned, it might have something to do with the unattainable/forbidden fruit aspect. Some gays believe they can turn a straight man gay or curious. Some gays treat them like trophies and want to say they had one. I think it might vary per person. If you’re a bottom, you may or may not find pleasure in being with someone who isn’t masculine. But in fact and (in the eyes of society) the straight man is the true essence of masculinity, especially within the black community.
Right, but even straight-identifying men aren’t always “masculine,” and I think gay men forget that part. Some cross-dressing straight men may appear “masculine” just like with gay men who get into drag, vice versa. Gender shouldn’t define masculinity because straight men can be just as effeminate as gay men. Nobody points that out or maybe that ruins their fantasy of the straight man, so they ignore it [lol].
It fits into the “gay fantasy.” Being gay and being intimate with the straight/masculine guy. They also connect it to not wanting to associate with other (effeminate) gay men in our community, “I don’t want to date someone who’s gay, and I want to date the not gay, straight guy.”
Have you ever been in a situation involving you and a DL guy?
I did once. For a while, I was….. I do not know how else to describe it because we weren’t [dating] but I got involved with a guy who was living a double life. He had a girlfriend and some kids. He would inform me, he made up lies to get out of the house to see me from time to time.
I have been with a few down low men as well. The downside to it from [my experience] was it’s always filled with lies and a lot of deception. The game of playing you before they end up getting played and fearing everything including you exposing them. Those situations for me were terrible and were a complete waste of my time. I mean, I could have cuddled up with anybody, but I was entertaining somebody else’s man. It was just another lesson learned, and experience gained.
Right! I don’t think a lot of gay guys understand that there is no happy ending when dealing with a DL man. It is never something long-lasting in most cases. Enjoy the moments you have with him and leave it at that. DL guys are DL because they don’t want the neighborhood, the city, the world to know their secret. So imagine if there is a gay guy open about his sexuality. How will the DL man know he won’t get outed?! HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A GAY MAN SCORNED.
There have been some terrible outings and rumored of a guy online being brutally attacked and many other worse cases by the hands of trade after outing them. These guys do not consider the dangers of exposing people. In moments of betrayal, rage, and heartbreak they act before thinking, and often it creates a world of trouble for them. It’s not fair on either side. They don’t deserve it. I know of other accounts where gay guys end up murdered, attacked, assaulted by DL men out of fear of being exposed.
What do you think go through these scorned gay men’s minds, when they plan on exposing these down-low men?
I mean, some of these men sometimes are in some dangerous lifestyles. Why do you think they risk their own lives and others around them to expose people? I don’t know. I think it’s immature. I will give you two outcomes from exposing them. Two scenarios: Either no one believes you and something bad happens to them. Or they do In both cases, and you end up being labeled the bitter, sad F-bomb. It comes from a place of anger and hurt. “I’m so upset I want to make your life ruined, unhappy, etc.”
What’s been the craziest experience for you dealing with a down low man? Have that experience drove you to the point of not wanting to mess with them again? The craziest?
Not that there were many. I remember there was this one husband/father who had a double life. During intimacy, he didn’t want me to wear any lotion or fragrance because he was sure his wife would smell it and find out. He couldn’t use the soap; I had in the bathroom. So he would have to buy travel-size soaps and throw them away. He would buy a box of condoms and leave them at my house. Being afraid she would find them in his clothes or in the car. He wanted to take me to lunch but was too scared, she or someone he knew, would see him out with an unidentified young man. The one time he took me out we drove almost 45 minutes away to somewhere where nobody knew him.
Damn, that’s the exact definition of down low and fearing of being your true authentic self. There are so many women of color, who are HIV positive because of their partners being on the down-low. I will share something that still haunts me to this day! I met a young man, 18-years-old who lives in not too far from me. He deals with only straight-identifying men, married men, etc. He doesn’t go for the gay on gay sort of thing according to him it’s just not his thing. His wrap-sheet is long, and I mean long. These men end being married, engaged, committed individuals. He does not use protection, and he sleeps with these men as an HIV positive man, unprotected sex only, he said this from his own mouth. The moment he revealed this my soul crushed for those men more so their wives, girlfriends, fiances, baby mamas, side chicks, boy toys, and everything else in between! I was so disgusted to even with myself, and I’m not the one doing the act but to know it, I felt sick, and I couldn’t get over it. He told me how he only does raw sex, STRICTLY with men in committed relationships. How do you feel about HIV-positive gay men who are affecting our black sisters, cousins, friends, neighbors but most crucial somebody’s mama and each other?
These women think of having a committed, faithful man. These men are pastors, lawyers, doctors, teachers, some of these men are fathers who should set an excellent example for their children. He messes around unprotected with a gay man and doesn’t even know he’s dealing with a black widow spider. These men are giving their sexual partners who he shares body fluids with nothing but venom. This young ass boy is luring men in and infecting innocent people. That young man is demented. These men lay with him with the urge of having this secret fantasy and exploring their sexual appetite. Don’t even know they’re laying with the enemy and then exposing that shit to their wives and girlfriends.
[Omg.] Reading that hurts my heart. For the gay guy, I think it’s wrong to be deceitful when someone’s life/health is at risk. They should always protect themselves and their family at all costs even if you are living this double life at-least be smart and safe about it.
I’ve seen guys make disclaimers about not wanting other gay men on their dating profiles. I never understood it. I mean, what’s the ratio of coming across 100% straight men who don’t deal with other men only on a gay app? Plus, why chase after straight men knowing the risks of being with one? It’s kinda like when young girls want to date the “bad guy.” You know nothing good can come from it, you learn it’s just a phase. Shit happens, and then they are the first ones to cry about it.