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The Dysfunctions Of Black Gay Relationships And The Fact That Many Of Us Self Sabotage New Love

Me and @_iRoqkMore [on twitter] recently spoke about the dysfunctions of Black Gay couples and how so many Gay men of color self sabotage their own relationships. This situation is way too common and so many people often find themselves in this predicament. We get into relationships and destroy any potential of creating beautiful futures with people because of our ugly past and previous heartbreaks.

There is a point in all of our lives when we have to stop pointing the finger at every failed relationship and blaming the other person. We have to take full responsibility over our part in why the relationship did not continue to work or stay stable. None of us are perfect and even those who pretend to be usually have some of the biggest insecurities when it comes to relationships and trust.

Check out our topic together addressing this subject and make sure you guys take something from it as well. This information shared by Chaz was useful and very accurate for many of us. Many of us are not the same but our stories and backgrounds are more similar than you would ever imagine. Whether if you can relate to Chaz first hand, I’m sure you know other Gay men who do and will experience similar situations.

 

Many Gay couples are always in and out of failed relationships. You mentioned in our initial discussion you also did not take responsibility over your own failed relationships. 

Share more with us on why you feel that way and how you plan on moving forward to building stronger relationships in the future? 

I will say the major part of a failed relationship, is knowing you allowed yourself to be in that relationship with that person. We need to be aware of who we attract and who are attracted to both consciously & subconsciously.

I take ownership in the fact that I am extremely relationship oriented and in my younger years I felt the need to always be involved with someone.

I subscribe to the 3 loves theory. This doesn’t mean that you will only be in a relationship 3 times in your life but you are only in real love 3 times and you need to be able to identify these stages.

The first love which is said to happen when you were young.

I was 20, and that relationship ended because it was my first time doing a long distance relationship.

We also jumped into the relationship after only knowing each other for 3 weeks. {Young minded}

Give us a list of things that went wrong in those three relationships for you. Also, how would you react to some of those problems today vs. how you dealt with those relationships back then? 

Well, in my last 3 relationships only 2 of them I actually really count.

1. Being young minded. First love — this is the naïve kind of love. Basing the relationship off of movie-like standards. Thinking if the relationship isn’t like this picture perfect relationship then, I don’t want it.

It was a long distance situation, and they wanted to be on the phone all the time, but I wanted to be out hanging with friends. I was still an undergrad and wanted to be living a life not on the phone 24/7.

In return since I wasn’t there, they got a friend to fill in the space (back then I though they were cheating on me.)

7 years later, we discussed everything and had closure and I found out that they actually didn’t cheat. This is where the self-sabotage comes in.

When they begin to not hit me up as much, I became jealous and over bearing with the questions; what the hell is going on, why is it that they‘re always with their friend… (in retrospect, that’s probably the same thing they were thinking about me at the time.)

That sparked major trust issues, so I cut it off. Then this is where my second love comes into play not even 3 months later.

This one started off great, however word to the wise “the way you get them is they way you lose them.” Although me and my first love at this point were no longer together, we were still in constant communication.. again… now in retrospect I can see how the first love thought we were working on getting back together, but I was just thinking [FWB] until something else comes along.

The second love came in which ultimately became the demise of the first love on both an intimate and friendship level. Causing us not to speak at all for 4 entire years.

Which is hard because we share the same best friend. The second love for me was going to be the one, however I was 4 years their Sr. So although it was my 2nd love it was their first. They were an incoming freshman to college, so while I was trying to settle down. They are wanting to turn up. Which wasn’t a major deal I was cool with that. But I was daddy, car, job, living off campus, driving them and their friends to parties, buying groceries, helping pay off e-bill, paid an entry fee into Greek organization. This is where it all went downhill.

They gained their letters, become EXTREMELY popular. Greek life came with multiple trips out of town and conventions. I was cheated on. *__*

This is when I have to own my portion in this failed relationship. Although, I was cheated on and that ultimately should have been the end. We tried to “work it out.”

TIP #2.

If you say you forgive someone, then really forgive them and move on. I became overbearing, checking in multiple times. Going through his phone. Suffocating this 18-year-old college freshman.

Nobody want’s that!

This is the hardest one to let go and we still link up here and there, only because I felt like I’ve invested so much into this person and in a way have created them into the person they are that I want no one else to reap the benefits.

The second love is known to be the “hard love” stage. This is the love that brings you hurt and pain. Often from the little untruths and the other parties manipulation, the emotional kind.

Although they have grown up more, I can say over the past 5 years, I believe I was definitely being used. Again my fault trying to make something work that should have been dropped years earlier.

[BOMB DROPPING MOMENT]

After the tragic end of the 2nd love… I was at a low moment.

Since both [1st & 2nd] loves were younger than me. I decided I wanted something different [this is the relationship I do not count] I got involved with someone 10 years my Sr.

A drug dealer *____*

If you know me, none of those things are appealing to me. I thought this was my 3rd love at the time.

Because the 3rd love is the one you don’t see coming. We met at a birthday bash, talk casually for like 2 months or so and then “dated” for about 5.

This was something different.

Finally, I could take on a different role than I was used to. I was the one being spoiled this time. While I was in class, they took the car to get detailed. I would get off work and come home to cooked meals. Given gifts just because…

*Perfect*

Then when things begin to get super serious. They just upped and moved away no explanation no discussion.

Fast forward 1 whole year.

They return to town wanting to meet up and talk.

I’m jaded at this point because over the year while they were gone they had entered into a whole new relationship. I found out via social media but I agreed to meet up.

*dun*dun*dun*

I was met with a sobbing apology for them up and leaving me, but the reason was because they had fell IN LOVE with me?!?! [If you can only imagine the look on my face…]

“So you F’ing left me because you fell in love with me?… please explain,”

“I have HIV and I didn’t know how to tell you…. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

At that moment in time 1,000,000 thoughts ran through my mind literally at once.

What do I say?

How do I react?.

What is my next move?

Let me go get my strap.

Did I bring my blade with me?

Do I call the police?

Well, I have been tested 3 times since so I definitely am not infected, but it’s the principal..

WTF… How do you do this to people? Isn’t this a criminal charge? Can I tell my friends this? How will they react? OMG I need to be more educated, what if it’s just lying dormant in me and just isn’t showing up…. how long does it take be diagnosed? My life is over…

All of those thoughts and guess what I said…

NOT A DAMN WORD….

I was frozen in fear and rage.

They fill in the silence with a sympathetic “I’m sorry.“

Step towards me to console the deep dark void I’m sure is being seen in my eyes.. I step back and yelled,

“DONT F’ING TOUCH ME” *literally felt like a Caucasian woman in one of those lifetime movies, when she crushes her wineglass in her hands and turns into a banshee running around the house*

They gon on to say, “I was diagnosed 10.5 years ago and have been undetectable for over 10 years as well.”

[mind you at that point I don’t even know what that even means]

I remained starring like a deer stuck in headlights.

Oh, wow that’s a crazy situation to be in. Let’s address all the self-sabotaging that occurs in Gay relationships. Why do you think so many Gay men self-sabotage their relationships when things are going oh so well?

Some sabotage because they aren’t ready or have the false image of what a relationship is supposed to look like (such as myself in both situations 1 & 2.)

I think some sabotage their relationships because they fear not being in a dysfunctional relationship. A regular relationship is not something most of us accustomed to experiencing or embarking in. 

True. I can agree with that, however for me that may be the stage I’m in now.

Let’s speak on that. Why are you self sabotaging your relationships? What are you fearing the most about giving yourself to somebody?

Super guarded so I may sabotage great relationships that could have transpired but I’m cutting you off after just 1 day if the vibe feels off. My friends literally ask me.. who have we cut off this week? I don’t want to say it’s self-sabotage because then it sounds like I’m screwing myself over, which I very may well be doing. But I say I’m saving time.

You would consider that ghosting instead?

I’m a shopping addict. “I’d rather waste my money before I waste my time. PERIODT.” Yes, I definitely am a close relative of Casper!

How many men have you ghosted and what type of things would you consider f’ing up the vibe for you causing you to ghost they a***s?

I’d say at least 5 in the last 30 days.

So wait you‘re Bisexual?

[mmmmm] I wouldn’t say so. I don’t really prescribe to label. I’m just Chaz. As long as you can make me feel good I’m down. Things that will get you ghosted:

1. Communication – Don’t be dry with me. If you don’t have time to talk at that point in time don’t even hit me up.

2. Doing a pet peeve of mine. “What you doing” I’m laying down watching Netflix. “Can I join?” #BLOCKKDDTT

You’re 300 miles away don’t even ask me… that is annoying.

I’m eating “Did you save me some” #GTFO!!!

Another pet peeve don’t call me hubby, daddy, bae, any pet name after only talking to me for an hour. #Blockdt

3. Be ambitious. I won’t say you have to have a car, job, degree, but are you working towards them or some time of trade that can offer you stability? If all you do is complain about not having money, but don’t have a job and aren’t filling out applications.. we have nothing to talk about.

4. Don’t ask me for money… unless we’ve been talking for at least 6 months.

5. Being Closed-Minded … get’s you closed out of my life. #Blockdt

Be able to have an adult conversation. We will not always agree on everything, but we should be able to talk through our disagreements.

6. Last but not least Do NOT be a “Pick Me” posting thirst traps daily for attention, 1 or 2 a month is okay, or especially if your doing body transformation it’s understandable.

guys showing their eggplant in selfies #annoying

What would be your ideal guy and what would you do differently with him you didn’t do in past relationships?

Must be family oriented. Have goals for their life. want to travel, have a great sense of humor have a great sense of self, have stability, doesn’t need validation from Social Media. I would go in with no expectations, but standards.

A huge one religion. My first love was atheist.. which I got him to pray and believe in God by the end I don’t believe you have to be Christian, but believe in something.

I’m all about compromise… but I have to be bought into the relationship to do so.

If I care for you, really… I’m doing everything I can to make it work.

Let’s speak about the mistakes you notice other Gay men making in their own relationships. What are some of these problems you would stay clear from making in your next relationship?

Moving too quickly..
Basing the relationship on lust and/or s*x.
Looking for the “trophy” man instead of a man of substance.
Looking for a come up instead of joining to build an empire.
Over-sharing to the public when you hit rough times.

What do you hate the most about Black Gay relationships?

I think it’s the feeling of the need to want to compete with others… instead of just being the best version of themselves this is not all of them, because I happen to know a few amazing Black Gay couples.

Are you open to open relationships and the whole swiping culture that many Gay men are now engaging in? I’ve been seeing a lot of polygamous couples lately and they seem happy. I don’t think lifestyle would work for me because of my jealous nature.

No, if it’s a bedroom spice up thing I can see possibly adding a 3rd after years of being together. I feel like if you want to be with someone else be with them.

That’s interesting most couples who engage in t********s say it keeps their relationship stronger but those are usually straight people. 

Yeah, 3somes again to me sometimes feel like a cop out.. because there are multiple other ways to spice up the bedroom without adding a 3rd party.

Sometimes people are just open-minded and like to step out of the norm of what we describe as being a relationship [lol].

Yes, it’s literally all about what you deem as acceptable.
If you like it… I love it.
I fault no one one. I’m just not here for it and would definitely be a hard pass for me.

I think we covered a lot for this topic, is there anything else you would like to add before we close out this discussion?

I really want everyone to know True Love should come easy. Not easy as there won’t be any riffs or downtimes because no relationship is perfect but navigating through those rough patches and the early onset of the relationship should just feel right.

Why do you think it’s hard for Gay men to find their true love or partners beyond short flings?

I think the media has created this image of what the perfect guy should be so shallowness takes over. There will always be someone who is more handsome than the next you may enter a relationship and hook up, but then see another piece of candy and venture towards that way. We want our cake and eat it to I also feel like a lot of to this realization and have just accepted the fact they want to just have flings due to knowing this.


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blackbird17k

Written by Blackbird17k

I write what I love and share what my little golden heart desires! 👨🏾‍💻 Black Gay Writer, Author, Creative Creator. Future Filmmaker, Television Producer and Mogul In The Making!

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