The Act Of Forcing Heteronormativity Within Black Gay Relationships 2 3586

A lot of gays suffer from internalized heteronormativity, which is the belief that individuals fall into distinct and complementary genders with natural roles in life. – Lordecali 

When he mentioned heteronormativity as a great choice for the topic today, I had no clue what the fuck he was referring to at all. I have never heard of that term nor have I used it before. I did my research and came across the definition and I am baffled.





The term confused me and even knowing gay men would want to use it made little sense. First, lets speak about the biggest problem.

How can we compare homosexual relationships to heterosexual relationships? I do not understand the comparisons other than some common similarities. I do not take part in playing a specific role.

I do not care if either of us is feminine, in-between, masculine, dominating, submissive or beyond. I am no more important or empowered than my partner [vice versa].

“Heteronormativity” does not sit right with me even after discovering the meaning behind the term. Therefore, I do not agree with the term. Heteronormative “hetero” short for heterosexual meaning “straight” does not represent homosexuality which we are homosexuals.

For me, that means you want nothing to do with a regular gay relationship. This makes me feel like these individuals are ashamed to acknowledge that they are in an “abnormal” relationship. They want to chase what most would consider and deem as perfect or normal meanwhile not realizing how imperfect their mentality is towards same-sex relationships.

I could never see myself being that submissive to my partner [vice versa] and following the heteronormative lifestyle. As two men we can meet halfway in a relationship. Plus, look at all these heterosexual couples always and forever, breaking up. If they can not keep this “perfect” healthy relationship themselves why would anybody of a same-sex relationship want to follow suit? Our relationships are ten times as complicated if not more.

Tops expecting for their bottoms to be submissive while they are in charge at all times. All this extra shit equals and proves nothing in a relationship. The one thing I can think of is the top (or bottom) need for controlling their partner.

A relationship supposed to be 50/50 in all aspects. We both are equal as men, so, therefore, neither one overrides the other. This does not mean men overpower women in the heterosexual community. I’m speaking about same-sex couples following this ridiculous shit called heteronormativity.

I couldn’t imagine adding this heteronormative into any of my previous complicated relationship(s) or even future ones. That would be overload 2.0. For me at some point everything would become a colossal disaster. It’s all cute until both parties want to take control or change the way they play the game. It will never remain a heteronormative situation for none of my relationships. I could only imagine the dysfunction within these relationships at some point or another. Something has to give. You can’t force somebody to play a role and expect to control every single aspect of the relationship but for only so long. I do not care how submissive he comes across, eventually he will strike back.

Now some gentlemen will love this relationship title because it gives them the fantasy of playing “Wifey” to their man.


Yes, some gays do it, but it depends on the person. – Dave 30, Illinois

Not a constant fact but works most times.  Kal 23, Florida

I think people make it real. We live in a world where being gay isn’t “normal” and is more trendy than acceptable. So subconsciously, I think some equate hetero relationships as something to aspire to. Also, fragile masculinity and hatred of femininity. I say all that, but I don’t think it’s inherently “wrong.” it positively should be acknowledged though. – Ian 29, North Carolina. 

Either person can play either role. – Rob 26, Wisconsin 

I believe it’s subconscious in most cases, but influenced by an individual’s past exposure to romantic connections. Which in most cases, if not all are from a Heterosexual dynamics – i.e. parents, family, friends?  – Tim 35, Arizona

I mean in my perfect fantasy that would be great but in today’s relationships; I guess it’s more equal even for sex. – Richard 22, Minnesota

I believe people like what they like whether they are submissive, aggressive, or masculine and feminine. Just because you a top don’t mean you have to be masc or-or aggressive. And just because you a bottom don’t mean you have to be submissive or feminine. – Omari 32, Ohio

Eh! 50/50. I think it depends on how connected the top and bottom are to each other and their role. Many are versatile and lean more so to the feminine side. – Tevin 35, Florida 



The gays have spoken! I liked the answers they had regarding this topic. It gets you thinking, so I invited @Lordecali from Twitter. He came up with the idea to speak more about this term and how it made him feel.

So it’s like how some people believe the top is the breadwinner and bottom and the bottom supposed to be subservient, stay at home, cook, clean, please the top, etc. – Lordecali

[JBA]: Interesting, because I’ve never encountered a gay man wanting to take care of me based on our roles in the bedroom [lol]. Have you experienced this firsthand?

I have not experienced it firsthand. I see it a LOT all over social media/dating sites. I would say bottoms and tops both push this narrative. I’ve seen a lot of tops push for it the most!

Check Out how this whole topic idea started from somebody’s tweet and Lordecali shut down the entire THREAD!

[JBA]: How do you feel about gay labels within gay relationships? How would you react if a guy was to use heteronormative views in a relationship with you?

I feel like it’s problematic because it further enforces heteronormativity into our relationships. When we aren’t heterosexuals, we’re homosexuals. Your sexual position has nothing to do with your gender. A top isn’t “the man” and a bottom “the woman.” We should be treated equally. Nowadays even heterosexuals don’t implicate those gender roles in their relationships, everyone works together. If a guy were to use this example for our relationship, we would have no relationship. I’m not interested in gender roles in a relationship between two men, and we’re both supposed to work together supporting and take care of each other.

[JBA]: That is deep, and I feel the same way, which is why I speak out on the blog about not being labeled or using labels for each other.

I understand there are individuals who are providers, and some people like to cook clean, etc. Your skills have nothing to do with your sexual position. In a relationship partners need to function together, so there could be a balance. If you’re not good at something or lacking in a particular area, your partner should pick up where you fall short [vice versa]. You’re supposed to work as a team. If you and your partner like to associate gender roles with sexual positions or in your relationship overall and it works for you two? [Fine] but it’s not the law for all gays. It’s toxic to go into the dating world with that way of thinking, expecting tops to be the macho provider and bottoms to be a subservient housewife.

When a straight person ask me “who is the boy and who is the girl in your relationship?” I tell them we’re both men, we’re partners, and we work as a team.

[JBA]: *DROPS MIC* you’ve just shut down this entire article with pure facts! [lol]. I agree on that. I don’t care for a man to present himself as a provider or in a submissive role. I like a man to know what he’s bringing to the table and whatever I may need work on he could help me improve on. Working as a team is essential. Thank you!!! Please shout out your social media so the readers can follow you.

Sure, my twitter and Instagram are Lordecali.

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I write what I love and share what my little golden heart desires! 👨🏾‍💻 Black Gay Writer, Author, Creative Creator. Future Filmmaker, Television Producer and Mogul In The Making!


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