The Act Of Forcing Heteronormativity In Black Gay Relationships

A lot of Gays suffer from internalized heteronormativity, which is the belief that individuals fall into distinct and complementary genders with natural roles in life. — Lordecali

How can we compare homosexual relationships to heterosexual relationships?

 I don’t understand the comparisons other than some common similarities between both straight and gay couples.

I don’t care if either one of us is feminine, in-between, masculine, dominant, submissive, etc. 

I am no more important or empowered than my partner in the relationship.

Heteronormative “hetero” short for heterosexual meaning “straight” does not represent homosexuality which would make us homosexuals.

So why are we comparing our relationships to heterosexual couples when every aspect of our relationships is DEF NOT THE SAME! 

Anything with Hetero doesn’t fit with homo (in my opinion.)

If I can’t be a regular gay man with another gay man (without feeling like I’m comparing my gay relationship to a male-female relationship) then I don’t want it.

In my mind, a gay man who would want to be in a heteronormative relationship doesn’t like the fact that he’s in a gay relationship. 

That comes off almost as if you want to be gay but don’t respect the relationship aspect of being with another man cause somehow in your mind it isn’t normal, acceptable or something you internally can tolerate.  More than likely it makes you uncomfortable.

There’s nothing abnormal about our relationships as gay men.

We don’t have to and shouldn’t need to take on the role of being the dominant or submissive one to balance out or make sense of being in a simple gay relationship. 

They want to chase what most would consider and deem as perfect or normal. When in reality they not realizing how flawed their mentality is towards same-sex relationships.

A relationship doesn’t require a balance of masculinity and femininity. Two feminine men, as well as masculine men, can be in a healthy relationship and not feel the need to take on a role or a label to fit together.

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As two men we can meet halfway in a relationship. 

A relationship supposed to be 50/50 in all aspects.

If you can’t view the tweets on your browser just click on the thumbnails. 


I asked some guys how they feel about heteronormative relationships in the gay community and these are their responses.

Yes, some Gays do it, but it depends on the person. — Dave 30, Illinois

Not a constant fact but works most times. — Kal 23, Florida

I think people make it real. We live in a world where being gay isn’t “normal” and is more trendy than acceptable. So subconsciously, I think some equate hetero relationships as something to aspire to. Also, fragile masculinity and hatred of femininity. I say all that, but I don’t think it’s inherently “wrong.” it positively should be acknowledged though. — Ian 29, North Carolina.

Either person can play either role. — Rob 26, Wisconsin

I believe it’s subconscious in most cases but influenced by an individual’s past exposure to romantic connections. Which in most cases, if not all are from a Heterosexual dynamics — i.e. parents, family, friends? — Tim 35, Arizona

I mean in my perfect fantasy that would be great but in today’s relationships; I guess it’s more equal even for sex. — Richard 22, Minnesota

I believe people like what they like whether they are submissive, aggressive, or masculine and feminine. Just because you a top doesn’t mean you have to be masc or-or aggressive. And just because you a bottom doesn’t mean you have to be submissive or feminine. — Omari 32, Ohio

Eh! 50/50. I think it depends on how connected the top and bottom are to each other and their role. Many are versatile and lean more so to the feminine side. — Tevin 35, Florida

The gays have spoken! 


So it’s like how some people believe the top is the breadwinner and bottom and the bottom supposed to be subservient, stay at home, cook, clean, please the top, etc. — Lordecali

Interesting, because I’ve never encountered a gay man wanting to take care of me based on our sexual roles in the bedroom [lol]. Have you experienced this firsthand?

I have not experienced it firsthand. I see it a LOT all over social media/dating sites. I would say bottoms and tops both push this narrative. I’ve seen a lot of tops push for it the most!

How do you feel about Gay labels within Gay relationships? What would be your initial reaction if a guy was to use heteronormative views in a relationship with you?

I feel like it’s problematic because it further enforces heteronormativity into our relationships. When we aren’t heterosexuals, we’re homosexuals. Your sexual position has nothing to do with your gender. A top isn’t “the man” and a bottom “the woman.” We should be treated equally. Nowadays even heterosexuals don’t implicate those gender roles in their relationships, everyone works together. If a guy were to use this example for our relationship, we would have no relationship. I’m not interested in gender roles in a relationship between two men, and we’re both supposed to work together supporting and take care of each other.

That is deep, and I feel the same way, which is why I speak out on the blog about not being labeled or using labels for each other.

I understand there are individuals who are providers, and some people like to cook clean, etc. Your skills have nothing to do with your sexual position. In a relationship, partners need to function together, so there could be a balance. If you’re not good at something or lacking in a particular area, your partner should pick up where you fall short [vice versa]. You’re supposed to work as a team. If you and your partner like to associate gender roles with sexual positions or in your relationship overall and it works for you two? [Fine] but it’s not the law for all Gays. It’s toxic to go into the dating world with that way of thinking, expecting tops to be the macho provider and bottoms to be a subservient housewife.

When a straight person ask me “who is the boy and who is the girl in your relationship?” I tell them we’re both men, we’re partners, and we work as a team.


You just shut down this entire article with pure facts!

I agree with that. I don’t care for a man to present himself as a provider or in a submissive role. I like a man to know what he’s bringing to the table and whatever I may need work on he could help me improve on. Working as a team is essential to making relationships last, and grow.

Thank you!!! Please shout out your social media so the readers can follow you.

Sure, my twitter and Instagram are Lordecali.

While some people may be embracing the heteronormative approach to their gay relationships. I think the majority of us are just fine with the standardized way of being in a same-sex relationship. 

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