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Dear Black Gay Men

Open Relationships And Why I Wouldn’t Be Able To Participate In One

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Open relationships work for some people. It takes a strong, confident, and unbothered type of person to share their partner. I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’m going to share my opinion on open relationships and why it seems to be successful for some guys only. 
 
I know a few couples who engage in swinger parties and events together. There’s this one couple I know, and they have “boy toys.” This couple participates in sexual swingers parties together and also separately. In my mind, that’s a disaster waiting to happen.
 
I look at my relationships in a completely different type of way. Certain things I’m going to be down for, while other shit I may do out in the open with my partner. 
 
My views on open sex with my man may be different from what you may like with your man. For me bringing other people into the bedroom can be a disaster. 
 
Feelings will always occur between two parties, and the third wheel will be, left out. It doesn’t matter if my man places rules or not. If I’m not feeling the third person, then they have to go! 
 
Something I have learned with dealing with threesomes is the fact that one partner will always push the envelope. Somebody will want something that wasn’t apart of the agreement. At some point, everything that started out fun will become problematic and eventually destroy what’s left of the relationship. 
 
People who have successful open relationships are usually the extreme freaks that will do anything. Both partners have to be, sexually liberated for that to work. 
 
Both parties have to have open minds when it comes to their sexual activities. Plus they must know how to separate their emotions from the sexual shit. When emotions get involved, all hell breaks loose. Trust me on that.
 
I don’t know how to separate my emotions. I find myself emotionally connected to every relationship and partner. If I was not an emotional connection type of person, I think I’d probably be open to the idea of swinging and all the sexual experiences. I don’t know about the open relationship part but shit, anything is possible in 2018 and the future.

 

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Open relationships seem fun from a distance. I can’t be somebody’s third wheel. 

 
I wouldn’t mind hooking up with other couples as a single man. For me, my man, and another guy that’s not going to work. Somebody has to have something to lose in this equation. I refuse to be the one to lose everything for some sex. 
A lot of these gay men are messy. They will take your man right up under your damn nose. I’m all game but sharing my relationship not happening. Not mine, Issa no for me!


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Dear Black Gay Men

“Just Because I F*ck Guys Doesn’t Mean I’m Gay”

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Khalil Wells sets the record straight and lets the gay community know that he’s not gay. Now a lot of you are side-eyeing him, but let me remind you of the reality of the community.

Some men do not describe, connect or even identify themselves as homosexual. It doesn’t matter how many dicks they may take or give to other men of the same sex. These men are no different from those who prefer women but enjoy sexual encounters with men on the side.

WE CAN NOT FORCE SOMEBODY INTO A LEAGUE or COMMUNITY, IN WHICH THEY DO NOT IDENTIFY THEMSELVES AS BEING APART OF PERIOD POINT BLANK.

I get it, many of you may not understand sexuality, but it’s pretty diverse to the point that everything can be fluid without any actual attachment. There is no one set rule when it comes to SEX.

Some of you do know there is a difference between sexual identification and actual sex?

There are plenty of men who identify as heterosexual but may engage with other men.

I REPEAT!

There are plenty of men who identify as heterosexual but may engage with other men.

We need to stop forcing people into a box for one strict sexual orientation which they do not want to choose for themselves. They do not have to be FORCED to conform to your expectations when it comes to their sexual identity. 

I WILL LET THAT PROCESS FOR SOME OF YOU! 

You may call him gay all day long but if the man is saying he’s not gay leave it alone. Who am I or anybody else to force a title on somebody? That’s the problem! We are so quick to push these titles and labels on people who do not identify with that particular label or title.

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This goes hand in hand with sexual positioning. You may call me a fem bottom just because my mannerisms is one way doesn’t mean I identify as being feminine or a bottom. We want to diagnose people, but we fail to realize there’s no limit or set rule that indicates that one can’t explore their options. This man may have had sex for whatever reason with other men. Who am I to judge him and try to force him to identify with something that clearly doesn’t represent him.

We have the freedom to identify as whatever we choose to identify with. If I wanted to say I’m a masculine man and I may not appear masculine, then that’s my choice. If you decide to identify as a feminine gay man, but all the bottoms of the sea want you to be a top, then who they to tell you who to be is?

Stop placing people in these boxes and labeling them all sorts of shit. If a person tells you, no I do not identify with this particular lifestyle or sexuality, then allow them that right of choice. Pointing out how many bottoms of the sea he has smashed (vice versa) won’t change his mindset or mentality. Allow this man to express himself however way he identities and also connects with as a human being.

This also can be said for down low men who happen to swing from women to men. There are many down low guys who do not consider themselves “gay” but very much engage in homosexual practices and acts. The only difference is the fact that this guy is well known in the community and most of those DL men aren’t.

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Enough of this label shaming and trying to force people into these labeled sexual boxes. Some people enjoy the act but do not call themselves homosexual. Allow this man to be himself and express his RIGHTS as an individual. A lot of people are legit MAD about this guy clarifying and stating his sexuality.

Okay, so you saw some videos on Pornhub that’s cool. If you don’t know this man in real life, then you don’t know him period. How are you going to tell him how he should identify himself as being when he’s his own person.

I do not know this man, I’ve never heard of him, but I respect his right to identify as straight or bicurious in whatever way he chooses to define his sexuality.

FIN!


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Dear Black Gay Men

“Dating In The Black Gay Community Doesn’t Exist Anymore!”

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Last night, I was having a pretty interesting conversation with a guy from one of my FB groups. We ended up chatting after I left an open-ended question on the page. He responded, and we decided to chat more privately on messenger.

My question in the group was based on other guys experience with dating in the black gay community back in 2008 vs. today, in 2018. As many of you know, there has been a significant change in the dating department for ALL OF US. With new technology and apps dating and discovering ways to date has changed. Some people would argue with the fact that some of these changes have affected a good amount of black gay men.

I would say, everybody’s opinion on this topic is different. I may feel like dating in 2018 is different from 2008, but you may not agree for whatever reason. I think age groups have similarities being that I’m not going to be able to connect to an 18-year-old at 28 about online dating back in 2008 because there’s an age gap. He’s not going to have the same experiences as me when it comes to dating in 2018 vs. 2008. GET MY POINT? 

I will say last night speaking with one of my peers, and I was able to hear from his perspective how his dating life has changed over this the last decade was pretty interesting, to say the least. 

He’s 30 years old, successful brutha with his own businesses and he resides in D.C. He’s been single for over five years now because he doesn’t feel like there’s much of a dating culture anymore in the black gay community.

While I agree with him, I also had to disagree with his opinions on dating apps.

His views were entirely against dating apps and he even claimed that the last app he used was BGCLIVE which is ancient shit (no shade but shade.) 

So with his lack of experience with new dating techniques (online mobile apps), he has closed off a huge possibility of meeting his potential mate since the majority of gay men are accessible online. I’m guessing he still goes to gay clubs to meet guys or bathhouses. NO SHADE. 

He feels like Jack’d, Grindr, POF, Tinder are all complete waste of time and he doesn’t have much time to entertain those type of apps. IN HIS WORDS NOT MINE! 

I am a user of a majority of those apps. I think my experience with dating has also been complicated, but I do feel like they may work for other people.

I don’t think the dating culture within the black gay community is gone. I think the way we date has changed and maybe for some, it hasn’t changed for the better. I speak about these things because I am in the community and I ENGAGE with the community on these issues. A lot of black gay men feel like there’s no point in dating and the only purpose of those apps is only for sex. I get it, and I understand why so many of my peers think this way.

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For younger gay men in their youth, they tend not to see it that way because they’re now coming of age. Back in 2008, many of us (for those who are in my age group) may feel the same way about the BGCLIVE and ADAM4ADAM during that time period. We didn’t have this MAJOR development when it came to Jack’d (which came out around 2010) and all of these newer apps. I think the speed of things makes a lot of people feel unsure of the possibility of having a successful relationship anymore.

Right now everything is microwavable and quick including love, sex, relationships, and fallouts. Everything seems to be forced or often not enough to fulfill the need of those who are seeking MORE than just one thing or another involving dating or relationships. Often we find that most guys are not willing to commit compared to previous years of dating. I would say that’s mainly since sex is more available now than it was in the past.

You can find you a quick piece of ass today online much quicker than you would have been able to find ten years ago. Yeah BGCLIVE was pretty quick, but that required more hoops to jump through. That application wasn’t mobile, so you weren’t able to meet somebody in the same proximity as you can today outside of the comfort of your home.

Could you imagine us trying to text as quickly and effortlessly back in 2008 as we do now on these dating apps today? (LMAO)

I agree with him on the aspect that dating is NOT THE SAME. There is no real standard way of dating today. Most people do not go out to dinner, a movie and maybe a walk in the park. You’re not going to meet guys that are offering to take you out today compared to years ago. I don’t recall ever having a guy offer to take me out on a traditional date. For me, I have never been offered too many dating Opportunites that did not involve sex, his place or even a quick exchange of meaningless texts. His experience may be different because he resides in a separate area. Your experience may be similar to mine or his depending on your own experiences as well. I don’t think we all can agree or disagree when it comes to dating as black gay men.

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I have met plenty of gay men who reside in California who claims to have a fantastic dating life, and they meet guys for dinner, lunch, coffee all the time. While I’ve met some guys here on my coast in NYC or PHILLY, who have never experienced that courtship and wouldn’t be able to tell you what it feels like to experience it.

So due to that, I wouldn’t be able to agree with him on the fact that it doesn’t exist because it does, for some, it may be amazing, and for others, it might be more complicated and rare.

We can’t say dating doesn’t exist because for everybody their dating experiences are different.

Can we say that dating has changed the culture of the black gay community, yes, without a doubt!

Can we say that dating has been altered in a good or negative way? of course, it has been altered.

One thing, I wouldn’t be able to say about it is the fact that it’s nonexistent because it very well does exist, but with all things so does life has its changes. Nothing was ever meant to stay the same and that includes the way we go about dating and finding potential love.

I think his experiences may have been rough to the point that he no longer cares to try anymore. The hardest thing about dating is actually giving up and not continuing to try. The way he spoke about finding love, he comes off as somebody who desires to share that space with another person. I understand his struggle with trying to find the right person, but I don’t think that should stop him.

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We all have been through the fire and back while trying to date. I think dating is a beautiful experience in our community. We need more examples of positive outcomes of black gay couples and more. If we can get rid of the stigma that dating does not exist in the community, we will have a better outcome with dating as a community.

Stop focusing on what you think and get out there and experience it for yourself.

Listening to thousands of black gay men complain about dating won’t change your dating experience. The only way you can fail if you don’t attempt to try to succeed at it.

The best choice is to trust yourself when making the right decisions in the type of men you choose to get to know. There’s no rule book to dating and no predictions of the actual outcome of your dating experience. Stop listening to what people say based off of their own experiences about shit in life. What’s for them is for them and what they lack to have or find doesn’t affect your possibilities at all.

You have to TRY before you can say you failed at it. Fear is what keeps us from achieving some of our most significant opportunities in life. Meeting that man could be easy for you or it may be a struggle. Nothing comes easy, and if it does, then you need to sit back and analyze how you gained it. BLOOP!

Dating has been and always will be a challenge no matter what technology comes along or if it disappears with time. Your experiences cannot be promised if you keep a negative mindset about things. Well, remember what you think is what usually becomes of you.

FIN!


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Dear Black Gay Men

How To Know When He Doesn’t Like You That He Only Likes The D*ck

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Prev1 of 7

I’m going, to be honest, and get straight to the point. I know this may come off as blunt, but I have to be REAL about the shit.

He didn’t like you.

He was never planning on liking you.

He only used you for the dick.

Yes, I said it and vice versa for you bottoms of the sea! 

I can’t lie and say I don’t see many of you getting used because I do. It’s so obvious and apparent, but for many of you, it’s hard to figure out. Shit, I’ve been in the same situation until I had to step outside of it and see the truth.

It’s never easy to come to terms with being used for sex. A lot of gay men are skilled at this shit. It baffles me when people don’t know when somebody is running game on them.

I created a list since so many of my loyal readers love these type of articles. Hints and clues that most of you probably have noticed but ignored or tried to overlook for other reasons.

Don’t take offense by anything on this list. This is from my point of view only.

Prev1 of 7


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