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Black Gay Men | Dealing With Dishonest Men And How To Overcome Painful Relationships

JustBeingAnthony

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We were both discussing something interesting that happened today, the fact that we both been played recently and how it’s affecting us personally. Would you like to summarize your situation and I’ll follow up with my own?
Well, I was with this guy for almost two years and thinking back on it now, we probably did rush into things a little too fast. I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met him, we just clicked and started talking and next thing I knew we were together.
A few months in, I felt as though I wasn’t keeping his attention the way I used to. I didn’t think much of it because we were both busy working and trying to help out our families.
Now we’re about 9 months or so into the relationship and I was playing a game on his phone and a little voice told me to snoop around and I tried to ignore that voice but it was so loud. I kept telling myself don’t go looking for something because you might find it.
But I did it anyway and found out that he had been talking to someone for about the same time that we were together and so many things that I noticed in the months before this were starting to add up.
I confronted him about the situation and of course he tried to deny everything even though the proof was right there on his phone. I had never let a guy bring me to the point of tears but I was distraught honestly and questioned what I had done wrong. I’ve always been a forgiving person, often too forgiving, and this time was no exception.
This has been my story from the beginning as a black gay man. I have dealt with men who would claim to want something exclusive but behind my back were sneaking around with somebody else. For some reason, a lot of these men think they’ll get away with it, but it always backfires on them.
It’s usually the guys that you would’ve least expected to do you wrong, who do end up doing you in the worst way. It’s like, why do you think so many gay men want to have these exclusive relationships but still have their fun on the side when they could’ve just remained single?
After a bunch of crying and arguing and him reassuring me that it wasn’t how it seemed, and I was the only one he was in love with, I fell for it and agreed to work on the situation.
I tried to forgive him despite the constant reminders. I didn’t trust him though and instead of me leaving when I had the chance, I stayed only to deal with more bullshit. The relationship finally ended after he decided to break up with me, citing that he needed time to work on himself because the guilt of him hurting me was too much for him to deal with anymore.
I then found out from Instagram that he was pursuing a relationship with the same guy he had been cheating on me with the entire time. It truly broke my heart and I’ve never experienced pain like that in my life. I cried so many nights constantly reminiscing about all the things that went wrong. I remember praying to forget about him.
Crazy how you mentioned that because I too was completely blindsided by a similar situation.
I’ve noticed that a lot of men, especially our age tend to want a relationship just for the title. You know, just to say that they have someone. It’s all for a show for them. They don’t realize that someone else’s feelings may be deeply involved.
They see these couples on social media that seem to be so happy and they think, “I wish I had that too.” I’ve never understood the need to cheat and I never will.
If you’re unhappy with your situation or if you feel like I’m not enough for you then why are you with me? You’re wasting my time and yours, you know?
Right, so why do you feel like they get into these relationships do their partner’s wrong but still stay? Why do you think it’s so hard for them to just break things off and do their thing and date and talk to other guys? Why pull and drag somebody along through the pain the dirt and all the unnecessary storms? To me, it’s quite simple to just be single and live a single life vs wasting somebody else’s time and breaking another heart.
A lot of the time, they don’t even have an explanation as to why they’ve led you on and told you all of these lies just to empty their balls at the end of the day.
It’s selfish as hell and I feel like no true man would stoop that low. I know in my situation, I still feel like I’ve never been told the full truth about everything that occurred. He told me that he didn’t leave because he didn’t think what he was doing was wrong at the time.
It wasn’t until after I found out that the guilt started eating at him. He wasn’t worried about getting caught because I was so naive and believed everything he said. I trusted him and thought he was so different from any other guy I had dealt with.
It’s so difficult to try and figure out why someone would waste so much of their time keeping up with two lives when it’s so much easier to live a truthful one. Another one of his explanations was that he didn’t want to lose me and didn’t have a good enough reason to break off the relationship and what kills me is the other person believing that they were the one who won. What was there to win? We both got played.
Right because he played himself in the end as well.
I think part of the reason they stick around even though they’re cheating is that it feeds their ego to know they’re “getting away” with having multiple partners. part of it also could be the fact that sometimes we let love or lust blind us from seeing when someone doesn’t have our best interest at heart.
What should other gay men do when we feel like we have the perfect guy? How do you feel other gay men can go about catching their unfaithful boyfriends without losing themselves in the process of doing it?
A lot of self-esteem issues come from these sorts of situations. You start comparing yourself to the guys he’s sneaking around with asking yourself what you didn’t do or what you could’ve done better. These men are predators who are destroying souls and innocent people are at risk. In my opinion, they’ve done this on numerous occasions it’s almost like it’s a thrill for them.
I 100% agree with the fact that we tend to recycle a lot of what we’ve experienced in our past. If you’ve been hurt and played multiple times before then that’s all you know, you’ve never truly been loved so of course, you wouldn’t know how to love someone else.
A lot of guys talk a good game but aren’t about shit as well and to be honest, there is no such thing as the perfect guy because everyone has their flaws.
Guys will tell you exactly what you want to hear and it sounds good to you so you fall for it. Actions speak so much louder than words though and you have to pay attention and be careful how fast you let someone into your heart. Everyone isn’t there to take care of it. Experience truly is the best teacher. I would have never truly understood any of this until I went through it myself.
From your own experience, how would you describe your last relationship vs your first relationship?
I let my guard down a lot more with this last relationship than I did with my first one. I was a lot younger, in high school still and didn’t know what love was in my first relationship. We just had a good time together and I never developed any strong feelings because I knew it was more lust than anything and there was no sex involved.
It didn’t even end on bad terms. We both just realized that we were better being good friends. This last relationship, however, had me completely gone. I let his looks, his words, the sex, etc. cloud my judgment and again he seemed like everything I wanted in a guy so I fell hard. It was my first real relationship so I wanted everything to go smoothly.
I was willing to put any problems aside, ignore any bad feelings just to maintain a seemingly happy relationship.
Usually, your first real relationship will be the most significant lesson. I know I learned a lot from my first serious relationship almost 15 years ago and looking back I know it taught me a lot about dating men. Of course, you are going to fumble and possibly have more rough encounters, but that first relationship is a valuable one because it teaches you how to deal with future relationships to a certain extent.
I feel like people can change but they have to change and do right for themselves first. A lot of gay men lack self-love and i’m going to be brutally honest, that’s the main issue. If we could address the root of the problem, we can prevent more gay men from dealing with the same outcome and bad experiences.
I wholeheartedly agree, and I’m so glad you said that. You have to love yourself and know your worth before you can ever be good enough for someone else.
I’ve learned so much about myself from going through that. I love the feeling of being with someone who you just vibe with but I want to take things so slow now I’m afraid I’ll scare someone off before it even has a chance to be something great. It also has made me so angry and hostile towards some guys who really had genuine intentions but it’s also helped me dodge so much bullshit as well.
True but this experience is to help you more than the other person. I believe that to love yourself you have sometimes to be stripped down and surrender to accept the things you can and can not change.
We can’t change the people we bring into our lives but we can change ourselves and how we accept or allow others to treat and sometimes mistreat our bodies.
Nobody has control over you unless you give it to them. Sometimes we stay in bad situations hoping for the big fairy tale ending. I know because I once found myself trying to build a man when he wasn’t trying to build and work on himself first.
Not only did I fail but he failed because he is in control of his own choices. Thinking, ”well maybe if I do this or that he’ll stick around.” when in reality we’re only tolerating the abuse and the bad treatment from these people and they know it.
The first moment you see any tell signs then take action immediately. You can not sit and try to turn away or ignore what you already feel or may know. The first action always has the most significant impact, but the more you silence yourself, the longer the mistreatment will continue.
Whew, you better preach and this is the point I was trying to get at earlier. They recognize the vulnerability and use that to their advantage. So I considered that and it has changed my outlook on relationships and men in general. It’s hard though and it’s a work in progress and I’m getting more comfortable with myself every day. I know that I’ll never allow someone to mistreat me again. I’ve always been a very observant person and I usually can spot bullshit very easily so I know now to never ignore those gut feelings.
The first thought that comes to your mind tends to be the most accurate one, from my experience.
Yes and I agree with you. So what would be some of the things you’ll do differently than you did the last time during your last relationship?
Well for one I’m taking things slow. If someone wants to pursue a relationship with me, I want to build a friendship with them first and foremost. I feel like I didn’t take the time to do that last time and I could have avoided some of the toxic behavior I encountered. I want to be able to be more transparent the next time around.
Do you feel like taking things slow could prevent you from being hurt again? I think guys can play a good game for a long time and it wouldn’t matter how you entertain the relationship. In most cases, guys are all about the chase and then the moment you finally give in they can still do you dirty.
No, not at all. That’s one of the reasons I’m not interested in trying to pursue a relationship right now. I feel like taking things slowly has the potential for me to truly observe how you respond to certain situations and to see if you’re serious about being in a relationship.
However, everybody is capable of running game and I honestly don’t want to get attached to anyone anymore. The entire thought of wasting my time and energy on someone just to get played again really makes me keep my distance with guys. If I feel myself becoming too comfortable, I tend to fall back.
I’ve been single for almost a year now and I’m not at all concerned with a romantic relationship. I know I can’t handle it right now. I have way too many trust issues and personal things that I know I need to work on. I just don’t have many gay friends to talk to, hang out with, share experiences, etc. so that’s where the friendship part comes in. I want strictly platonic relationships only right now. I’m not here to lead anyone on or give anyone false hopes about a relationship developing by us being friends. If there was a mutual interest in pursuing something more than that somewhere down the line then I’d be open to it. Just not anytime soon.
What piece of advice would you give to gay men who may be struggling with getting over a bad break up and they feel conflicted with dating?
I don’t have all the answers and I’m still learning and figuring out things for myself. But I will say take the time to step back from dating and relationships and focus on being happy with yourself first before you try to give your heart to someone else. A lot of us think throwing ourselves into the next situation will help us get over the one who hurt us.
That honestly just makes things worse because you’re carrying all of your emotional baggage over to your new situation. It’s a lot easier said than done but everything gets better with time, you know?
Surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people goes a long way as well. Focus on your goals and things that you may have wanted to do but never had the time for. You have to learn to put yourself first at some point.
Getting back out there is an entirely different thing that I haven’t even figured out yet.
I just hope that someone could take what I’ve been through and learn something from it and if anyone feels like they need a listening ear, I have no problem being that.

In Case If You Missed It!  Trade Chasing, and Exposing Down Low Men: Hell Hath No Fury Like A Gay Man Scorned!

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Gays Speaking Out

Trade Chasing, and Exposing Down Low Men: Hell Hath No Fury Like A Gay Man Scorned!

JustBeingAnthony

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What I would call a trade chaser are those (primarily) bottoms who only go after “straight-acting” and DL guys!

– The Jerk Journal

Twitter:@XJerkXJournalX

As we all know of the dangers of exposing men who live double lives. Some of these men are trying to protect their image, lifestyle, and family. It’s safe to say building up an active, healthy relationship with a man, who isn’t open about his sexuality could be a crucial mistake.

A choice that often results in serious consequences for all parties involved. Who turns out being the victim of exposing the truth? The man who puts everything at risk for an intimate moment or would you consider the man who is living his truth but exposes the man that’s living a lie?

Sometimes gay men get caught up with the wrong guys for all the wrong reasons. A lot of guys are double-dipping on both sides of the fence and infecting both men and women. We all view exposing and down low situations different. So I brought on a guest to speak about his own experience with the down-low lifestyle. His story goes much deeper than your typical down low encounter.

The Jerk Journal has profound words for those who consider exposing these men on the low. Nobody ends up happy in this equation of lust, pleasure and sometimes pain mixed with a dangerous outcome. Is having a piece of a man equal to having a man full of secrets?

Check out our exclusive chat on Gays Speaking Out where we are trying to discover the meaning of trade chasers and why down low men end up being exposed. So dive deep into this candid, raw and unfiltered conversation between myself and The Jerk Journal.

[JBA]: We all know there is a phenomenon with black gay men and straight-identifying heterosexual men. Why do you feel like gay men have a strong desire and an urge to go after “the forbidden fruit?”

There are many reasons gay men love straight men and those factors vary depending on each guy’s desires. As you mentioned, it might have something to do with the unattainable/forbidden fruit aspect. Some gays believe they can turn a straight man gay or curious. Some gays treat them like trophies and want to say they had one. I think it might vary per person. If you’re a bottom, you may or may not find pleasure in being with someone who isn’t masculine. But in fact and (in the eyes of society) the straight man is the true essence of masculinity, especially within the black community.

[JBA]: Right, but even straight-identifying men aren’t always “masculine,” and I think gay men forget that part. Some cross-dressing straight men may appear “masculine” just like with gay men who get into drag, vice versa. Gender shouldn’t define masculinity because straight men can be just as effeminate as gay men. Nobody points that out or maybe that ruins their fantasy of the straight man, so they ignore it [lol].

It fits into the “gay fantasy.” Being gay and being intimate with the straight/masculine guy. They also connect it to not wanting to associate with other (effeminate) gay men in our community, “I don’t want to date someone who’s gay, and I want to date the not gay, straight guy.”

[JBA]: Have you ever been in a situation involving you and a DL guy?

I did once. For a while, I was….. 🤔 I do not know how else to describe it because we weren’t [dating] but I got involved with a guy who was living a double life. He had a girlfriend and some kids. He would inform me, he made up lies to get out of the house to see me from time to time.

[JBA]: I have been with a few down low men as well. The downside to it from [my experience] was it’s always filled with lies and a lot of deception. The game of playing you before they end up getting played and fearing everything including you exposing them. Those situations for me were terrible and was a complete waste of my time. I mean, I could have cuddled up with anybody, but I was entertaining somebody else’s man. It was just another lesson learned, and experience gained.

Right! I don’t think a lot of gay guys understand that there is no happy ending when dealing with a DL man. It is never something long-lasting in most cases. Enjoy the moments you have with him and leave it at that. DL guys are DL because they don’t want the neighborhood, the city, the world to know their secret. So imagine if there is a gay guy open about his sexuality. How will the DL man know he won’t get outed?! HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A GAY MAN SCORNED.

[JBA]: There have been some terrible outings and rumored of a guy online being brutally attacked and many other worse cases by the hands of trade after outing them. These guys do not consider the dangers of exposing people. In moments of betrayal, rage, and heartbreak they act before thinking and often it creates a world of trouble for them. It’s not fair on either side. They don’t deserve it. I know of other accounts where gay guys end up murdered, attacked, assaulted by DL men out of fear of being exposed.

[JBA]: What do you think go through these scorned gay men’s minds, when they plan on exposing these down-low men?

I mean, some of these men sometimes are in some dangerous lifestyles. Why do you think they risk their own lives and others around them to expose people? I don’t know. I think it’s immature. I will give you two outcomes from exposing them. Two scenarios: Either no one believes you and something bad happens to them. Or they do In both cases, and you end up being labeled the bitter, sad F-bomb. It comes from a place of anger and hurt. “I’m so upset I want to make your life ruined, unhappy, etc.”

[JBA]: What’s been the craziest experience for you dealing with a down low man? Have that experience drove you to the point of not wanting to mess with them again? The craziest?

Not that there were many. I remember there was this one husband/father who had a double life. During intimacy, he didn’t want me to wear any lotion or fragrance because he was sure his wife would smell it and find out. He couldn’t use the soap; I had in the bathroom. So he would have to buy travel-size soaps and throw them away. He would buy a box of condoms and leave them at my house. Being afraid she would find them in his clothes or in the car. He wanted to take me to lunch but was too scared, she or someone he knew, would see him out with an unidentified young man. The one time he took me out we drove almost 45 minutes away to somewhere where nobody knew him.

[JBA]: Damn, that’s the exact definition of down low and fearing of being your true authentic self. There are so many women of color, who are HIV positive because of their partners being on the down-low. I will share something that still haunts me to this day! I met a young man, 18-years-old who lives in not too far from me. He deals with only straight-identifying men, married men, etc. He doesn’t go for the gay on gay sort of thing according to him it’s just not his thing. His wrap-sheet is long, and I mean long. These men end being married, engaged, committed individuals. He does not use protection, and he sleeps with these men as an HIV positive man, unprotected sex only, he said this from his own mouth. The moment he revealed this my soul crushed for those men more so their wives, girlfriends, fiances, baby mamas, side chicks, boy toys and everything else in between! I was so disgusted to even with myself, and I’m not the one doing the act but to know it, I felt sick, and I couldn’t get over it. He told me how he only does raw sex, STRICTLY with men in committed relationships. How do you feel about HIV-positive gay men who are affecting our black sisters, cousins, friends, neighbors but most crucial somebody’s mama and each other?

These women think of having a committed, faithful man. These men are pastors, lawyers, doctors, teachers, some of these men are fathers who should set an excellent example for their children. He messes around unprotected with a gay man and doesn’t even know he’s dealing with a black widow spider. These men are giving their sexual partners who he shares body fluids with nothing but venom. This young ass boy is luring men in and infecting innocent people. That young man is demented. These men lay with him with the urge of having this secret fantasy and exploring their sexual appetite. Don’t even know they’re laying with the enemy and then exposing that shit to their wives and girlfriends.

[Omg.] Reading that hurts my heart. For the gay guy, I think it’s wrong to be deceitful when someone’s life/health is at risk. They should always protect themselves and their family at all costs even if you are living this double life at-least be smart and safe about it.

I’ve seen guys make disclaimers about not wanting other gay men on their dating profiles. I never understood it. I mean, what’s the ratio of coming across 100% straight men who don’t deal with other men only on a gay app? Plus, why chase after straight men knowing the risks of being with one? It’s kinda like when young girls want to date the “bad guy.” You know nothing good can come from it, you learn it’s just a phase. Shit happens, and then they are the first ones to cry about it.

 

In Case If You Missed It!  Trade Chasing, and Exposing Down Low Men: Hell Hath No Fury Like A Gay Man Scorned!

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